Gay
2005-10-30

Brainwash
The entity we refer to as God had the power to manifest any and all things that were imaginable. Mankind prefers to assume they were created in the entity image. But the only thing we start out by possession of that pertains to our creator is our mental imagination which we can use to create for our needs and or our natural cravings. Imagination is the beginning of ones very own conducts and what one mentally imagines is what one desires. If one accepts and becomes domicile to only obey and do conduct as societies brainwashes one to do then they lose their soul which is the fear to use their imagination. There are all kinds of natural and sexual cravings that one discovers that is created by the entity of nature and some by society conduct. Brain wash preference by others can create a fear that can kill ones entity soul of imagination. To seek homosexual avenues and remain discreet are not possible after one makes the decision to seek a mate. And no matter how desperately one wants to only seek love and devotion it never works for most just as most straight guys seeking a perfect lady mate fails. No one person can fulfill all of ones imagination. The trial and error adventures in desperation that begins as ones physical and mental state of desires gets the better of their logical judgment. But the most fear that ones discovers are caused by the ones that show awareness to eye and body language that will somewhat accept and even also make advances and then emotional try to become ashamed of their conduct and then try to persecute the one they accommodated to or for and often feel they were raped. They go into a false confession state of telling one or several that they were advanced on as to make them selves appear and feel like they never did do anything as to escape personal guilt. But unwisely want it known that they were getting attention. A nark will shift all the blame on some other one or avenue before accepting their involvement as in persecuting others. During these confessions as that they have secumbered to a gay person they are hoping that the one they are telling will take the hint to ask or allow them to have sex with them.

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   Then if they don’t take the hint then they don’t feel ashamed and don’t actually know that they were seeking a new avenue. If the ones being told do or don’t fall prey to them they still become aware and very often the ones they told on you to about being gay to will then want to try out with you and the plot gets thicker on you. For example this lad of nearing age sixteen whom I’d known since age seven and had argued with over his too many mischievous lecherous conduct and behavior on all matters which at that time never did include sex. He just boldly one day came on to me by straight out asking me if I was gay which I denied. He added that he heard that I was. I replied that he had known me several years and I was positive that I had never mentioned sex or made any advances on him. He admitted that I hadn’t and if I had he would have killed me. He was trying to hide his guilt desires but thought I would be a vulnerable avenue from past stories about me. Well he let it ride till the next visit and again asked me if I was gay. I tried to change the subject and said. Why do you ask? He said that he was just curios. I explained that he didn’t need to know about my life style and didn’t have to worry about me trying to seduce or molest him. He then just bluntly asked me how long my dick was. I admitted that it was not very large. He asked to see it.

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   I said shut up.

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He had that lecherous glazed awareness look in his eyes and said the age old routine. I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours. I denied the request and wanted a way out of this new persistent attack by him. Later on and during a visit he pushed the toilet door open to get a peep at me. Then a couple times came in unannounced as I was showering and once felt my wet butt and remarked that he wanted to fist fuck me. I thought that he had seen too many internet pictures. On the same visit as I was shaving and etc he came back in flashing me with his half grown gentiles. Wow! How he had chemistry way beyond my abilities and had more nerve than I will ever have. His conduct continued on and on and after a few weeks I then noticed a new development in his gentile’s size and the pelvis hair. Then on visits he would just let it hang out as he paraded around and he was now bigger than me in the groins area. He was definitely a teaser show off and a flirt. Then a couple times he masturbated in front of me. He had no shame or pride or vanity in front of me and kept asking for head or ass and offering to give me head. Finally he got so desperate for gay sex that he somehow found a mate and brought in a lad his age and they both teased me saying that I didn’t know what I was missing as they kissed and done sexual conduct right in my presence.

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   Actually I knew I was only missing and avoiding jail time. I emotional felt a tug of admiration in my heart and loved this attention because I knew that his conduct with the young vulnerary lad was not pleasing him and that he actually had a crush on and for me beyond his control. But I had society fears and just couldn’t encourage him or secumber and so I remained domical. Then later he got a second boy friend that wasn’t as eager to display his conduct but was finally convinced by him to also love on him in front of me. This kid had persuading talent unlike anyone I ever knew to get his way. Somehow I managed to keep uninvolved physical or personally with them, but I sure was emotional mentally and physical unstable and eagerly really enjoying being the onlooker. But he being what I refer to as a street urchin because they all actually came from broken homes caused me to think maybe he had a fatherly attitude for me. Any way his mother being a renter and having a live in mate moved out of my area and the other two boys never came around after he left and I was relieved because I knew I would have finally gave in to him and now I feel so relieved from the pure pressure and frustration he imposed unto me. His departure was one hell of a relief. Laws are never written to protect adults from minors. And all those TV news sex scandals of Popes and the singer Jackson never know about the minor’s that were involved true behaviors. . Parents don’t really know their children. But most often they can’t fool their children. Most children really know their parents.

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   I can still visualize the beauty of his and their exerting bodies and the glazed lust in their eyes and the smooth vocal hypnotism his cooing voice could impose on guys and of his and their entity innocence as to have no fear of social brainwash preference as they fulfilled their natural call of natures need for sexual climaxes.

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What I couldn’t understand was as how he had those cute guys and still wanted my attention or favoritism. And why did only his adoring eyes and nudeness affect me and the other lads didn’t? I did relent to his farewell sweet wet kiss and the rapture of his emotional parting hug that made me want to devour him that still lingers on my mind. Most persons that persecute sex feel and think that when showing anger or perception they are gaining envy and feel heroic. I think when ones that slander their perception actually hate themselves for not having courage to break the entity genes they fear not to abide by. Knowing truthfully what is not available or out of sight is not out of their minds. The truth is I know I’ve hid and control most all my queer conduct tendencies and have become more discreet here lately. But only because maybe my constant failures have deleted my efforts to seek new avenues because of my failures in finding someone intimate and that returns my favoritism or fulfills my imagination. I for a while tried to enjoy being a slave to ridicule and humiliation by letting guys use me. I thought that any attention was better than none, but slowly started turning away ones I knew were asking for my sex favoritism because they couldn’t commit or return the justly attitude I deserved because they would not secumber or confess that they were gay. They wanted to remain known by society as macho guys and I have seen them marry and live in torment and blame the women and often admit they hate women but still refuse to seek fulfillment in gay avenues even after divorced. They seem to be content by seeking male companionship only as to attend sports or whatever but can’t break through the macho image barrier and admit they long for man to man sexual intimately. We will only openly admit being gay to one’s that respond to our eye or body language but hardly ever find each other for the same reason that straights very seldom find the right mate. We are too choosy and have imagination that can’t be matched. And mostly have lost faith that true love is possible.

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   But most of all it’s because we also are scared to lose our macho image and also fear to be known as gay and face humiliation by society. So we try secretly to grab a little ever now and then return to our regular known life style and can’t cross over all the way either. Only the gays that are lucky enough to find a village or a street in certain cities can be openly gay. But then again they very seldom find the love they imagine and want from only one lover because everyone has so many different imaginary cravings. We all keep searching for that ultimate perfect thrill and can say take me I’m yours and you are mine. Imagination is the beginning of ones very own conducts and what one mentally imagines is what one desires. If one accepts and becomes domicile to only obey and do conduct as societies brainwashes one to do then they lose their soul which is the fear to use their imagination. Which do we prefer? To do to someone? Or for someone? Or with someone? Or do without anyone? Is loneness worth abiding by the laws and all the religious and social brainwash fears imposed on us???
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