My Diary at 15

Gay
2009-03-13

The following except from 3 seperate excepts were recorded on May 21,22 and 23 of 1995.   The names have been changed.
May 21, 1995 - 11:25 PM 
I'm not sure I should put this down here, but I have to work out what's going on inside my head.   I'll really need to make sure this is always in my foot locker.   Gosh. . . I'm so nervous.   I can't believe what happened tonight.   I just got home from Justin's house.   Jennifer, me, Justin and Carly were hanging out for most of the evening and when the girls had to leave, Justin asked me to come down in the basement. I went down to the family room with him and he pulled out video tape from under the bottom of a book shelf.   He showed it to me and it was a porn flick.   He asked if I wanted to watch it.   He thought it was his brother's or father's but couldn't be sure.   I think he wanted to believe it was Randy's.

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I wasn't sure about this.   I'd seen some porn pictures before, but never a full length movie.   We were home alone but his parents could have come home anytime.   He coaxed me a bit and it didn't take much.   I can see why people get addicted to porn now.   I can't get those images of men and women fucking out of my head.  Either those guys are huge or I've got a little dick.   I hope its just that their big.
We watched the movie and didn't say a word to each other for quite a while.   I was listening carefully for his mom and dad's care in the driveway.   I knew if my parents knew what I was doing I'd never see Justin again and there would be hell to pay.   Right in front of me Justin starting rubbing his crotch!  I couldn't help looking out of the corner of my eye in the dark room.   I know I'm more shy that him about stuff, but I was thinking--what the hell?  I wanted to leave, but just didn't get up the nerve to leave.   I was excited by what I was watching and I guess I didn't want to leave.
I sat back like Justin on the sofa continued to take a peek at him once in a while to see what he was doing.

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    When I could see him still rubbing his crotch I worked up enough courage to touch myself.   I wanted to and would of if Justin wasn't there, but it was weird doing it in front of him.
There were two guys fucking this one girl.   The one guy has his dick up her butt!  The other guy was fucking her normally.   Justin, after he noticed that I was touching myself too moved over a full cushion on the sofa and said as he went back to rubbing himself, "What do you think?  Ever see a porn movie before?"
I'm glad it was dark or he would have been busting me about my blushing red cheeks again.   I told him it was okay.   Justin the slipped his hand under mine.   I pushed his hand away, but he put it back and said, "You feel like its better than okay. "
He only kept his hand there a moment for a quick feel, but it freaked me out.   I never had a guy touch me there.   I struggled to come up with a answer to his lame question. I was still a little shaken by what just happened but wanted to act cool about it.   So I said, "Well, this is pretty hot!"
"Yeah it is, if you weren't hear I'd be wacking off. " he told me.   We were the type of friends that at least admitted to one another that we did it.

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    We joke about it often, but not in a situation like this.   Still trying to be cool, I guess, I put my left hand to my face to sheild view of him from my eyes and said jokingly, "Don't let me stop you. "
I couldn't believe it when he stood up, undid his pants and pulled down his boxers!  I though I was nervous watching this damn movie.   Now I was freaking out.   My hands were shaking and my legs felt week or jittery--like I wanted to run out of the house.   He sat down, his hard-on flopping around and he started stroking it right in front of me.
I finally said, "Dude!  This is too weird. I think I better leave. "
"Don't be such a pussy!  I don't turn you on do I?"  he asked me.
I denied it and he said, "Then just take care of yourself, I'll take care of me.   You said you didn't mind!"
I told him I didn't think he'd actually do and then said I should have known him better than that.
Soon he was spitting in his hand and stroking his dick!  I don't know what the hell to think--I was getting more excited by the fact that Justin was jerking off along side me than the movie! What if I'm gay?
I sucked on his dick!  Once he was getting close and doing a lot of moaning, I couldn't take it and I finally had my pants open and then I was jerking off too.   I just opened my pants and pulled them under my butt a little.   Justin is bigger than me and I felt a bit self-concious until I was wacking off too.   We were right next to each other and it was just so weird and freaky.

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Then he did it, he put his hand behind my neck and pulled me down on him. I knew right away what he wanted, and I refused a little, but he pushed hard and soon his dick was pointing right at my face just inches away.   He asked me to suck it and though I put up a little refusal it didn't take much.  He pushed my head down more and said, "Come on, I'll do you too. "
He lifted his hips and his cock touched my lips.   I just opened my mouth and went with it!  What the fuck is wrong with me!  Am I queer?  Is he?  It wasn't that bad doing that for him and now as I think about it part of me is glad I could make my friend feel good--I guess.   He sucked on me to and it was indescribable with words.   I hate to admit it, but the blow job he gave me was so much different than what I've had before from Donna or Kelsey!  He made me come with his hand when I got close.   He then jerked off on his belly and we both cleaned up and I left.   His mouth was bigger and his spit more slippery.   It was like he knew what I liked and what I wanted.   I only was in his mouth a minute or so before I was ready! 
I wanted to put this down in writing.   Something very strange happened today that I don't want to forget.   I don't want anyone ever to know about it either.   I don't know if I should leave it in here.

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    I would die if anyone ever read this.  What if I die in an accident?  I know I'm not gay, but how could I enjoy what happened so much tonight?  I can't get it out of my fucking head and I never want Justin to know that I liked it.   Yet, to be honest I would like to do it again with him. Fuck!  I'll never get to sleep tonight.   I know my parents knew something happened tonight when I came home.   They just looked at me funny.
May 22, 1995 -- 10:40 PM
Saw Justin today at school.   He didn't say anything to me as I was eating with Kelsey in the lunch room.   He winked at me!  What the hell did that mean?  He's never "winked" at me before!  Was it sexual?  Was it an invitation to get it on again?  It bothered me so much I couldn't even hear what Kelsey was saying to me.   She got pissed off because I seemed so distracted.   I apologized and. . . . .

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May 23, 1995 -- 11:20 PM
It happened again with Justin.   He was over my house tonight and after I walked Kelsey home, he was still here.   I knew right away what he wanted, why he was staying late and asking his parents to stay late.   He asked me to tell my parents I was going to his house for half an hour.   It was Friday so they let me go out late, but we went to his parent's shed and amidst the oily lawnmowers and dirty tools, we took turns sucking on one another until we both came!  I like this too much.   If I don't stop. . . I may never.   I know now that I need to fuck Kelsey.   I wanted to stay a virgin until I was married, but if I don't do it soon, I might turn out to be a homo!  Never!  I'd rather give up my virginity and get it over with than turn out to be queer!
May 24, 1995 -- 11:20 PM
Well, I did it. I lost my virginity tonight.   Kelsey let me do it. I thought she might have second thoughts but he just spread her legs and let me in.   It was diffent.

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    I felt good inside of her.   She insisted that if I wanted to do it I had to come inside of her.   I had a condom on an I agreed to.   It was a lot different that jerking off.   I got so sensitive that I couldn't keep pumping.   I don't felt like I got all of my load out.   The condom didn't help either.   Well, I did it anyway.   I don't think it was that good for her.   She seemed disappointed.   I probably should have brought her off with my hand, but once I was done. . . I just couldn't.
I made no further mention of Justin in my diary.

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    There were lots of entries about Kelsey.   I married her.   Yet I did think about Justin.   I thought of him a lot.   I know that most people are bi-sexual.   I know that there is no reason not to be able to enjoy sex with either gender.   I think women understand this better than guys.   Guy truely have this fear deep inside them that if they allow this to happen just once they'll just loose it and become homosexual.   Its a fear so primal and so horrifying that they dread it and avoid it like the plaque!
Hope you enjoyed my diary entries.   I would have never though when I wrote them that I'd ever share them publicly.
W. Tyson
Jacksonville, FL
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