Incest
2007-10-10

Inside Me----- 3 --I woke up to a pair of my jeans being thrown into my face. I pealed them off and looked at them. Ean was in the doorway. I was soo tired. “Get ready for school. ”“Aaaaah,” I groaned as innocently and sickly as I could. “You’re going to school. Mom said to make sure you go no matter what. If you’re not ready in half an hour, I’ll carry you there in whatever state you’re in; even if I have to drop you off while you’re still in your night gown. ”He turned and walked from the doorway. The look in his eyes and the tone of his voice made clear that he was in no joking mood. I rolled the covers from me and headed to the shower. My mind flashed between the horrors of school and what happened that last night. I pushed my panties down thinking how Ean had touched me there. Rubbed me. Made me cum.

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   On his hand. My older brother. Then I was naked. Stepping into the hot shower water completely naked. If only Ean felt the same way I did. I would do anything to make him like me the way I liked him. My life would be complete if I knew he loved me. School. After that shower would be a bowl of cereal and then school. First day of high school. No friends. If I could just know that Ean wanted me. If I knew Ean was at home waiting for me. I would care less about school if I just knew he loved me and I got to see him every day after school. Trust me though, I didn’t forget about what happened either.

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   But I tried my hardest to block out reality. I tried so hard not to remember my brothers face as he told me he wouldn’t forgive me again if I tried something like that another time. How he forgave me. I was his little sister. A confused little girl. He forgave me. He would never look at me as an equal to him. Lost in thought, my subconscious guided me out of the shower, into my clothes and to the kitchen. I was before my bowl of cereal staring down at it. I had eaten two spoonfuls. I was completely full. My stomach was tense in anxiety. “Time to go. ”I turned and looked at my brother confused. “Mom said to take you.

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   I’m driving dad’s car. ”I’ll fast-forward from there. The slow-motion of movement from the table to my bedroom for my book bag, to the car, and to school, was a screw slowly driving its way into my gut. Something not worth reading. Ean pulled up behind another car stopping to let out another girl. The girl looked vaguely familiar. Nothing important though. She did look back however as she got of her vehicle. She looked back from me and then to Ean. She froze on him. Not just her eyes, her entire body froze. She shifted a bit as if shrugging off a call from within the car and broke her stare. I looked at Ean. He didn’t seem to notice anything. He was just peering around at all the other teenagers strolling about and congregating into their cliques.

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   My eyes returned back to the girl. She scanned back to my face and stared for a few seconds as if she was taking me in; memorizing me. Then she turned, pulling her book bag from the car and walked away shutting the door behind her. I followed her motion and left my vehicle. Ean drove off behind the other car and I stood there alone. Slowly, I walked across the street and headed to the school building. I moved through first period fairly well. Most of the students in the class I knew from middle school. Friendly faces at least, even if they weren’t my friends. Second period proved interesting and not fun. I was all alone there since the system decided to place me in an advanced mathematics course. I saw the girl from earlier in that class but chose to stay away from her for some reason. The teachers were all nice and welcoming, I guess because it was the first day. Then lunch came eventually. It was probably the worst anticipated time of the day.

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   I got to stand in the lunch line alone and silent. Everybody else talked with friends. I scanned the cafeteria over again and again and again looking for a safe place to sit by myself once I finally got my food. That proved absolutely pointless. By the time I had gotten my food, most all the empty seats were taken and some of the previously occupied seats were vacant. Everything had changed.

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Boys or girls? I searched as I slowly walked with my tray in my hands. Worst case scenario, it would be better to be picked on by girls than boys. I found a cove of primarily girls sitting together with a few seats off to the side open. I walked over and sat two seats away from them. Close enough, but not too far. Then someone sat right next to me. It was her. That girl. From the morning.

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  “You’re his sister?” she started. “What?” I looked to her. “You have the same last name as him. When the teacher called you in math. Your Ean’s sister?”“How do you know my brother?” I was looking toward her kind of. I didn’t dare make eye contact. “I’m Montana. I’m Crystal’s little sister. Your brother was going out with her before…” she trailed off. I was speechless. Complete loss of words. What did she want with me? “You don’t look too comfortable here. I’m a sophomore. We can be friends and I’ll show you around. My sister told me about you.

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   She said me and you should be friends. ”“What?” I looked her in the eyes. “Oh. Yeah, your brother mentioned you to her a few times. She told me all about him, your brother. He sounds so amazing. I have at least a hundred pictures of him on my computer with Crystal. He looks pretty amazing too. ”I almost slipped right there. Almost. She knew so much about my brother that I didn’t. Those two years that he was avoiding me and mom, she had pictures and stories about him probably every week. Almost. Almost I was about to ask her if she knew what her sister did to my brother. What she left him in.

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  I stopped myself from speaking when I predicted what her response would be. What had her sister done to her own family? What had she put all of them through?“He looks well; your brother,” she said seeing the emotions contort my face. “A little hardened, but well. I’m glad. ”She was weird. Strong, and pretty brave too. I couldn’t imagine her with a whole lot of friends with the way she let her mind roll right off her tongue. I had had my fair share of friends for a day. Kids on the first day of school asking to be buddies out of fear of being alone. They all left though. In short time they always found other people that more closely resembled themselves. This one though had potential maybe. She seemed about as much an outcast as me. Pretty but with an avoidable personality. She might actually last.

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   Montana. I might get used to it. The school day came to a close. I walked outside and looked around for Ean. Mom told him to make sure I went to school. I doubt he cared much if I came back. Not after the previous night. There was no car for me; no Ean. I began my walk home. I estimated it to take me about twenty minutes. A lot of time to think. I was excited now that the school day was over. Still a bit nervous for some reason, but very excited. I also had a new friend maybe. I liked her the more I thought about her.

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   Ean liked her older sister for a reason, it was natural that I would like her, I thought. It didn’t really make sense but something about her made me want to really hope that we actually became friends. Twenty minutes can pass by very quickly when lost in thought. I walked into my house and dropped my book bag in the living room. The house was quiet. I was just brave enough after such a good day to face Ean. I had to do it then before I could think and reason it out. My bravery would die soon. Ean’s bedroom door was shut. I knocked, waited, and then slowly pried it open.

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Ean was face down on his bed. “Ean,” I called in a soft voice. He was motionless. I slowly walked in. I stepped lightly to his bed and kicked off my shoes.

 

   I climbed on and as carefully as I could, I touched his shoulder. Ean turned his head to look at me. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin moist with tears. “Are you ok,” I asked immediately. “Why did you let me do that to you?”“Ean. ”“Crystal and I… We were going to have sex for the first time on her birthday. Today. ” His words were shaking terribly. I gulped. What had I done? “I woke up and saw you. I was touching you. ” He was broken. He wasn’t himself. I broke my brother. “I was touching you.

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   I thought you were Crystal and it was so good. I saw you then. You did your thing and it was so…” He trailed off into silent tears. It was so, what? What was it? It was sure as hell one messed up day so far, but I wasn’t about to call it quits and wait for another day like this to come by to finish up. I dropped down to lay with him. I draped my arm over his body. He laid there in my embrace for untold minutes. “How far would you have let me gone?” he asked. My lungs hardened into rocks. Did he just actually ask me that? He probably had every right in the world to know but I did not want to give an answer. “I d-don’t know. You were asleep. You didn’t know what you were doing. I want you to get better so much. If it would help…” I trailed off then.

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   I did not want to finish that sentence out loud. Ean was quiet for several seconds before speaking again. “Do you know what it feels like to wait for something you know will be the most amazing thing in the world for so long, so long; it’s right there, just weeks away from coming to you, and then it goes away? It leaves. And just like that, you have to start from scratch again to just try to see it again in the far far away distance. ”I couldn’t stand what he was saying. I would die if something like that happened to me. “Ean, if it will help you, I - I - I…”“Don’t be crazy. I’ll never hurt you again. I have to protect you. You’re my little sister. ”“Exactly!” I almost yelled at him. I wouldn’t let him treat me like that. “I’m your family. I want to help you. I love you.

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   I’ll do anything for you. More than any of that, even more than wanting to help you, I’m so lonely. I want you to love me. You’re the only person that understands me. If we weren’t related, I would give anything for you to be my boyfriend. “We’re family though. If you want to protect me, you’ll teach me, care for me. You’ll make the loneliness go away. I don’t care if you use me. I can barely stand my life as it is. If I just know that at least you need me, you need to use me, then I’ll have a purpose. I’ll have someone waiting for me to come home. You’re so perfect. Do whatever you want to me or with me if it helps you or not. No matter what, as long as you at least include me, you’ll be helping me, caring for me, making me happy.

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  ”“You’re so young and, and, and just don’t understand. ”“I don’t care,” I retaliated. “The more I think about you being sad, me being sad. We’re both here. We both want what the other can give. I want to give you everything I have. You’re the smartest person I know and I’m your sister. You’ve always known what you’ve wanted and have you ever given or gotten something that you’ve regretted. What makes me different?”Silence refilled the room. “Are you tired?” Ean asked. “Not really but I will be if I just lay here a few more minutes. I didn’t get much sleep last night. ”“Will you just sleep with me then?”“Of course I will-““Wake me up if I start anything. I just want to sleep. I want to think everything over.

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   Don’t let me make things more complicated for myself. ”“Ok. I’ll wake you up if you start. ”“Thank you…” he trailed off in his sleepily voice. Within a few minutes he was fast asleep. The bedroom lights were on and we were both fully clothed on top of his sheets. I followed into sleep minutes later with a gigantic smile on my face.
e. l. hanes
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